Death has been on my mind for a long time now - no, not
only in the suicidal way – mostly in an inquisitive way.
Just like the end of a novel or a movie, we all know that our
life is going to end one day. Yet we fear it, avoid it, sidestep it, prolong
it.
The end of anything is scary – more so because we don't know
what's on the other side of the end. For that matter, the end of anything that
you invest in, seems scary. After all, we are creatures who seek comfort,
knowing, control and pleasure. And unfortunately, death doesn't seem to offer
any of this. (Although I wonder whether people who commit suicide feel any
control...)
Anyway... coming back to dying...
Since corona struck the world, dying seems to be the common
phenomenon globally. Every other day, I would hear of some acquaintance or
distance relative passing away, either because of corona or some other chronic
condition. What it triggered in me, not surprisingly, is fear. I feared dying
or suffering. Having listened to so many spiritual speakers and read so much
about it, I understand the concept of the soul. Yet my mind wasn’t able to
shake off the death wish. I allowed myself to fantasize about my family dying
and wondered what will happen to my stuff when I am gone. The idea was so
romantic that it played on my mind for weeks.
My parents and I spoke about writing our wills and giving our money over to
charity in case we all die at the same time. We took stock of our lives. My mom
and I agreed that we have lived full lives – filled with experiences, emotions,
achievements and growing up. I began to toy with the probability of not waking
up the next day. As time passed, I started feeling more comfortable with the
idea of dying.
Despite coming to terms with the feeling, I realized that I was still uncomfortable
on hearing news of people dying. Now my mind started spinning stories of how
they would have felt when they died or if they would have felt anything. Anecdotes
of ‘Near Death Experiences’ and movies around dying made me understand that probably
the dying person hardly feels anything. I remember that reassuring scene from “Harry
Potter and the Deathly Hallows-2” when Harry heads to the Forbidden Forest to face
Voldemort. He has recently discovered that a part of Voldemort lives within him
and that only his own death will make Voldemort weaker. He stands in the Forest,
surrounded by the spirits of all his protectors. Harry looks at Sirius Black
and asks,
“Is it painful?”
Sirius: What?
Harry: “Dying”
Sirius: Quicker than falling asleep.”
This exchange of wisdom reassures me more than anything. So, I know that people
who pass away have less to “worry about”.
What's more intriguing is not what
happens to the person who dies but to people associated with the dead.
Grief or loss is probably the most painful emotion there
is. And one can feel this for almost anything or anyone he holds dear to him. It
is also an emotion that can use love as a catalyst and magnify manifold in
intensity, making life almost unbearable. In the movie “Inside Out”, Sadness
touches the core memories that Joy has created. Joy wants to protect the core
memories from Sadness but at the end she realizes that these feelings are a
part of life. To cherish memories of the deceased, regardless of being “tainted”
by Sadness, is all that is left with survivors.
Post-death rituals in almost all religions take up a
person’s space of mind. With all that is happening with figuring out the
funeral, grieving is out of the question. Well-intentioned relatives, friends,
acquaintances are around to ‘support’ the survivors. Some reassuring
conversations and figuring out any logistics keep the survivors occupied. The real
journey of feeling grief actually begins when everyone leaves. Suddenly, the
reality of the event hits us with full-blown intensity. No one knows what to do
or think – all that is left is the feeling – of loss. The feeling is very
distinct – heavy, dark and loopy. Also, it doesn’t seem to lead you anywhere.
As days turn into weeks to months to years, most find
solace in routine and activities, some slip deeper into the feeling and very few
find meaning to life. What’s surprising is that the feeling is still very real
when tapped into. Just that now it may be superseded by rational thought and
more socially acceptable ways of dealing with it.
For relatives or acquaintances, the loop is still smaller. The dead become a
memory (perceived) or just a name. Unless we knew someone personally, people we
hear about are only names. If we knew of them, they are passing references. If
we knew them, they are memories and if we loved them, they are pieces of our
heart.
As for me, death is only a process of becoming a memory…
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