I dread it - the sight of him - a flasher, a voyeur, a pervert...It was a little unbelievable for me to come across a person like this in a quaint, little town. But places never had anything to do with perverts.
I have heard this from many (wise and educated) people that I may be attracting abusers. Well, I have nothing to say to that.
I didn't attract my abuser when I was 5 that's karma, right? Either way, it looks as though I am responsible for what I went or am going through.
Sigh.
Nevertheless, what made me write this is that in the last 3 months, I have put on over 12 kgs. I look bloated (read fat). I have been strongly determined to lose weight and look good. Actually look sexy and wear really nice clothes (been there, done that!). But somewhere I dread it. I am scared of looking good. I am terrified of looking sexy or beautiful. I am terrified of being noticed - by men, by perverted men, by men who can undress me just by looking at me.
Childhood abuse can creep into different aspects of a person's life. And it can last for ages! Right from self-worth and esteem issues to commitment phobia, body image is not left far behind. I have come a long way from looking at myself in the mirror to liking what I see. I have taken up dance classes to just make myself feel comfortable in my own skin. It has taken a herculean effort to dress up in pretty, feminine clothes and putting on makeup. I still feel awkward doing that consistently.
Of course, there is a big conversation happening around how clothes don't stop perverts from gawking at you. But this fear of being leered at is very, very real!
I am strong that way you know, confident. I know I can take care of myself.
But the fear is there. Of a man, half my size - weak, scrawny, pathetic - who can destroy my confident persona by just peeping into my house.
I stand at crossroads of giving up and fighting on. To redeem myself, to feel safe, to feel sexy, to feel FREE! I choose the latter!
