Of rat poop and letting go

Lockdown has created so much time for me that I can't escape my own excuses anymore. I can't say I am busy (considering I am not working), chores get over fast and I really can't say I am tired as well.

So I indulge in a cleaning spree. For those who are avid cleaners, you may know about the forbidden shelves and forsaken boxes. These contain stuff that will take a lifetime to clear and hence are often left alone.

Regardless, since I had a lot of time on hand and the unsaid pressure my dad had created about finding the antique CD player stashed in the forbidden shelf above the cupboard, I opened the door.

Now the door of the forbidden shelf is a funny one. It doesn't close fully, thanks to the rusted fixture that is supposed to stick to a magnet. Step one was to use WD-40 to remove the rust. Step two was clearing unwanted stuff in the shelf; I felt faint.

What followed next was sheer horror! Among the stuffed stuff was shredded pieces of paper, cloth and rat poop! I should have never opened the forbidden shelf. What should I do? Close the shelf, let it be but there was rat poop in there. Was it safe to let it be or even healthy?

But now that I had opened the shelf, I had to go all the way to clean everything up. It took forever but when I finished, I felt relieved.

We all have stuff in our mind that are forbidden and forsaken: thoughts, feelings about events and people that we haven't dealt with. Most of them quite unpleasant like rat poop and we let them be. Why? Cos it may take forever to clean. Is it healthy or even safe? Definitely not.

Like we decide to clean up rat poop, why can't we decide to clean up those unpleasant thoughts and feelings that are not healthy for us? Of course, the cleaning is going to be difficult, time-consuming and tiring.

But the choice is yours, to store the rat poop in your mind or to let it go.

While in Rome...

Never before have I felt so stressed on a trip. The corona virus pandemic struck the world into a fearful frenzy. When we left for the trip, it didn't seem so serious. By the end of the trip, matters had worsened. A self-imposed "Janta Curfew" was to be enforced on 22nd March from 7am to 9pm - the day I was to reach Mumbai by 6am. The curfew was strict and I didn't want to be caught and reprimanded by the police.

Looking at the deserted roads, the meager local transport and the uncertainty of train schedule (not to mention news reports), I was almost driven to panic.

While in the autorickshaw, the driver posed another stressful question - "purane Indore jana hai ki naye me?"

I replied meekly that I had no clue where. I posed a brave front and told him he should know train details since he is a local. He grunted something that I didn't understand. Either way, my stress levels were rising.

When we reached the "old Indore station", every other person was wearing a mask, except me. The train was already at the platform but was empty. I sat on the platform for half an hour and then boarded the train. The train was stripped off its curtains and upholstery. It smelt of cleansing agents. An almost hospital-like environment was created.

I squirmed through the night, tossing and turning, wondering and worrying about how safely or easily I will get home. The trainn was racing and we arrived at the station 15 minutes earlier. The station was deserted and the effort to rent a cab was futile.

I stepped out of the station and found several rickshaws and a couple of cabs that were being taken by the second. Out the crowd of drivers emerged a guy who seemed like a leader of the lot.

He asked me in Hindi where I wanted to go and I instinctively replied in Marathi. He checked with his crew and I conversed a little more with him in Marathi about how the day will pan out for him cos of the Janta Curfew.

He suddenly got a customer and left. My heart sank. I wasn't going to get anywhere and the clock was ticking. Just as I turned back towards the station and hoped to get a local train, he called out to me.

He, then, went on to convince an extremely hesitant rickshaw driver to drop me home. After what seemed like eternity, the rickshaw driver agreed.

I was relieved and thanked the "leader" for helping me out.

Modestly, he said, "I came back to make sure that you get a vehicle cos you belong here. (presumed since I spoke Marathi..not my native language)."

So it does work...'to be a Roman while in Rome'...

Finding and Being!

When you look back at life and feel life has been so unfair to you in many ways...that you haven't got what you wanted...that you wasted time on useless thoughts...and people...that you could have been more successful...and happier...

Stop right now...take 2 deep breaths..

Every experience in your life made you who you are today...all situations you dealt with - good, bad, ugly - made you the person you were meant to be...you wouldn't have been sensitive, understanding, empathetic, resilient, focused, driven if not for all those experiences. Live in the moment, accept everything that comes your way and know that life will give you an interesting roller coaster ride.

And remember, what you gained through your loss is YOU! Embrace yourself and enjoy life!

Social media games and fragile self-esteems

Recently, a school "friend" of mine posted a game on WhatsApp status:

Send me a ❤️ if you think we are friends.

Thanks to my recent addiction to my mobile phone and checking WhatsApp statuses every 2 seconds, I came across this one.

I immediately sent her a yellow heart back. ("I really thought we were friends!"). I asked "ye chalega?" And she apparently was quite bored (FYI: my phone doesn't seem to have that emoticon, nor does my mind!) and sent back two yawns. At that very moment, I found it very funny.

Later on, (thanks to my addiction again) I realized that responses and people were being categorized as Highly expected, Expected and Unexpected. 

And I wondered why I didn't make the Unexpected list. Now let me be clear, I have no qualms about not making anyone's friend list (my therapist is excellent!). But it surely made me wonder what impact would this have made if I had a fragile self-esteem.

Here is the sequence of what my mind may have done: (swirling into an imaginary situation)
Me sends a heart
Gets a yawn in response
My brain has an amygdala hijack!
Oh my God! She finds me boring...Do people find me boring? Am I a boring person?
Oh no...she has started posting photos of other people...
Still no mention of me...
Should I post the same game on my WhatsApp and see how many respond?
I think X also did the same thing...ignored me...
Am I not a good person?
Is this why I am still single? Do guys find me boring too?!!
Will I not have any friends...Will I end up alone without friends?
This is not fair...how come she can put so many pictures as unexpected and not put mine? Should I ask her? Will it look really lame? 
Oh God! What should I do?
(Puts her head in her hands) *stressed*

All this happening in less than 5 seconds...Imagine how it would be if someone's self-esteem depended on others' responses...

Social media is truly not for the weak-minded. It adds an unsaid pressure by comparing yourself and your life with a seemingly happy world. 

It takes a great deal of courage and resilience to not get affected by people's DPs, WhatsApp statuses, Facebook posts and Instagram pictures... 

Maybe it's a part of evolution where the weakest perish! But the point being...

Who creates the strong and weak? 
Who decides how you should feel about yourself?
Whose life is it anyway?

The journey is always about finding yourself, your footing, your strength and your world.
Play the game with yourself...