When people become projects

There are some mistakes that are universal and I am not exempt as well.

A huge number of us choose professions that involve helping people, attempting to influence their lives in some positive way. Even if you aren't in a helping profession, helping others may be one of your values or desires.

The intention is noble and the effort genuine. 

But what starts as an honest endeavor often backfires. Here are some of the reasons:

1. YOU feel they need help. Do they? Did they ask for it? Did we ask (explicitly) if they need help? Often times, especially in personal relationships, we assume that the other person can live a better life, deserves better; at least doesn't deserve pain and suffering. So we attempt to create insights, give advice, probe and prod till the other gives in to our plan for change. Of course, there are also times when the other doesn't give in to your pleas! If we are prudent, we will stop here. But not me!

2. Now it's a challenge to ensure that the other realizes what's good and what's not. We persevere and sometimes lady luck favours us. Although we may be tired, we carry on since we really believe in our mission of helping. "Don't give up" doesn't actually work here. But I continue!

3. The beginning of any change is realization. Amidst all the conversation, we attempt to make the person realize by asking, telling, and demonstrating often. Some of us who don't mind using some "force of will" also end up threatening or emotionally blackmailing to get cooperation. But the greatest insight is that the difference between helping and fixing is the same difference between empathy and sympathy. Fixing and sympathy stem out of frustration and are less likely to create any empowerment. 

4. Our lack of self-awareness, coupled with theirs, may lead to more complications.

Mind games are played knowingly or unknowingly. Things escalate quickly here. I wonder.

5. Few of us have surely experienced the sense of achievement when people change the way we wanted them to. For the rest of us, we are already entangled in the web of associating their change as our achievement. When there is no movement, 

frustration starts.

6. Then happens a deadlock...with us pushing too hard and the other holding their stance. This is where we look back at the futility of our actions. Most of us go through the push-and-pull of emotions, between anger, regret and disappointment. This is where I write a useless article like this!

So how do we break the deadlock and avoid the drama?

1. Learn to know the difference between venting and asking for help. This is quite by trial-and-error.

2. Understand your circle of control and influence. Most of the times, your circle of control will include asking the right questions to bring about awareness (which you can learn through reading or by experience) and listening (shut up while you do! - difficult but possible)

3. If you offer advice when asked, make sure you give enough time for the advice to sink in. Better off, will be to not expect anything at all to happen.

4. And finally, remember your need to change someone must not be more than their need to change themselves.

Well, anyway another useless musing added to my collection and the choice is surely yours!